January 07, 2010

One Eyed Monster

So last night I was going to go to sleep when I saw a movie coming on, One Eyed Monster with Ron Jeremy. I had to watch it.

The review has some cussing, so it's below the fold.
It's probably R-rated, some titties and lots of cussing.
The plot is that a bunch of hard-core porn stars are in a cabin in the woods when an alien comes down, takes over Ron Jeremies dick and goes on a killing spree. Tag Line If you see it coming, you're already dead.

Yes, Ron Jeremy's disembodied dick starts killing people.
It's funnier than it sounds, if that's possible. I was in tears more than once. One girl sees it, opens her mouth and starts to scream, the camera pans away and you hear a "gulp!" as the dick goes in her mouth.

I was kind of paying attention and working on my computer when I heard Captain Quint, "I'll find yer dick, and I'll kill it too."
It's not Robert Shaw (too bad) but a grizzled Vietnam Vet
He then tells a story of seeing a similar dick in 'Nam, I nearly wet myself.
The dick kills his platoon and then is sitting there all flacid.

Yeah, yeah, you know, I could have killed it right then, but I was so stoned I was afraid that I'd miss. And on the other hand, I knew it was only a matter of time before... you know, it would be back in action again. So, without taking my eyes off it, I get on the radio and have them chopper in two Saigon whores. So, for the next half-hour, I'm holding my weapon on this dick lying on a sleeping back in the blood-splattered tent. Now, I figured it won't know I'm stoned, so he won't jump me, you know?
So, the chopper arrived just in time, thank God, because now the dick was getting big and hard. So, I tell the two whores when they showed up in the tent, "look, hey, I'll do anything, man. I'll take you to the States, anything, if you just lie down there and spread your legs for me." Well, I guess "states" was the magic word because I never two Vietnamese whores taking off their panties and clothes so quickly in all your life.
Now, the dick must have smelled dinner because... choo! It makes a beeline for the whores. So I watch, and I wait, and watch. Finally, finally it blows it's load, I grabbed it, and ran it outside the tent. I threw it in a bunker. God... Jesus Christ man! About 10 seconds later, out runs about 15 gooks. And I could have nailed any one of them but no, I made a priority decision. Threw in a grenade. Yelled, "fire in the hole!" Fa-foom!
Well, guess what. Now it's raining dick. Yeah, raining dick! I crawled into a whisky bottle. I got back to the States and I've been in there ever since.

4 Stars.

Posted by: Veeshir at 10:25 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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